February 25, 2005

Just thinking

Today I was reading something I had written in a journal sometime last year.  It was about something that I had apparently read somewhere that said that people spend their lives looking for the meaning of life and basically people need and try to find love.  Okay, so I don’t remember what I had read and don’t remember what I had written or I just can’t put it into words now.  I was never very good with words. 

I’m not even sure what my point is.  I guess this past month or so, I have been thinking about love a lot.  I am so lucky to have so much love in my life and so many people who I can depend on.  Teaching has only brought more love into my life.  I have 24 little people who love me to death just because.  There really is no reason, they just have so much love to give and they give it to everyone they can.  I think you lose that a bit as you get older or maybe people let you down and instead of giving them another chance, you give up on them.  My kids are always ready to give you another chance.  Everyone should get another chance, and they forgive and they eventually forget and they still love.  My kids love me and they have no reason to, they just do and probably always will.  I mean sure when they call me “Mommy” by mistake it freaks me out or when they say this is our second home and you are like our second mom, sure I tell them no way, that’s not the way it is.  I do love them no matter what.  When they ask to come home with me, I wish I were able to stick them all in my car and take off with them and take them home with me.  I wish I could make their lives happier.  I know when they walk out of my classroom, most of them aren’t as safe as when they are with me and I wish there was some way for me to be able to protect them from all the bad things in the world.  I guess you can say that my love for them is unconditional, just like the love I have for my family.  Sometimes I feel like my love isn’t enough because they need so much more, but I give them all I have to give and still they are happy. 

My friends all love me.  I may not see them, or I may not get to talk to them as much as I would like or as much as I should, but I love them and I know they love me.  All of them in different ways and for different reasons.  It just is what it is.  I think that I would do anything for them and I would be there no matter what and I know that I can depend on them in the same way.  They not only love me for who I am, but also for what I will be in the future.  Their love may change, but I know it will always be there. 

A friend told me recently that love is hard.  If it were easy then everyone would love everyone.  I don’t really think that is true.  I just think love is special and because you love someone there is just a greater risk of being let down.  So there is a greater risk of getting hurt.  Someone you don’t love can never really let you down, because you just don’t care enough.  I really don’t think it’s hard.  I have 24 seven year olds who love with all their heart and all they want is to make everyone around them happy.  I mean if seven year olds are able to do it, why is it so hard for adults?  I think adults just lose so much and maybe have been hurt so much that they are afraid to love.  Maybe they are just afraid to let people in and afraid to be disappointed.  I think adults think too much when kids they just feel and they let themselves feel whatever it is that they feel.  They don’t think about it, they don’t worry about it.  They just love.  I want to be more like them. 

I finally think that teaching was the right decision for me.  I will eventually get myself out of debt and will get my life to a point where I will be truly happy.  I will have love in my life, I mean really, I already do. 

No more snow ever again

There is snow everywhere.  I hate it. I hate it.  I hate it.  I guess it’s better to have happened while I was on vacation and didn’t have to drive in it, but still it sucks.  I feel like it always seems to ruin the plans that I have.  Next year, I say no snow!  I think I’m going to have to move in order to get that demand. 

I’m thinking I should have slept later........

February 24, 2005

Our performance

Our big performance is going to be two weeks from tomorrow.  My kids are going to do great.  I am telling you this is going to be the best yet.  We got stuck with the borough Staten Island, but we got something good.  They are going to sing “Rock the Boat”.  I just have to change some of the words.  They are going to use a sheet as waves to represent the water.  My dad got me a copy of a huge Verazzano-Narrows Bridge.  He’s also going to get me a big Staten Island Ferry.  I’m making fish for them to hold too.  They are going to do wonderful.  I have the most talented and wonderful seven years olds ever.  Now I just have to write up some facts and choose who is good enough to be able to memorize and speak loudly.  It should be good. 

My class also was chosen to go last, so they can stay on the stage while they sing “New York State of Mind”.  One of the other teachers wanted to have her class do it, but Bob said my class is the best and they should really stay on stage since they know the words and have such personality.  Here I didn’t think I liked Bob much. 

I can’t wait.  I wish I had a video camera to record them.  I’m so excited I can’t wait.  I just wish next week wasn’t going to be so busy for us.  We have so much to do, we’re not going to have much time to practice.  It should be fine though.  They are the most talented bunch ever. 

Stupid weather

So instead of going to Jersey tonight for dinner, I get to stay home and do report cards for my kids.  I’m tired of freaking snow already.  When will winter be over?  So I guess now I just need to figure out new plans and hope that the snow goes away as quickly as it did on Sunday. 

February 23, 2005

Have faith that things work out

"The important things in life never happen by accident.  But even with those things that were meant to be sometimes you have to wait awhile and then maybe given them a bit of a nudge.” Nicholas Evans - The Smoke Jumper. 

I’m starting to find this to be true.  I can only hope that things get better from here. 

February 22, 2005

My complaint

In the mail today, I got a questionaire from where I went to graduate school.  The school wants me to fill out information about if I’m working and how much I’m making and how I got the job.  I was actually hoping to get one of these, because they were absolutely useless in trying to help me find a job.  Their career fairs were a complete waste of time, and everyone who worked there was completely incompetent.  So I think along with it, maybe I’ll write a letter of complaint as well.  For the amount of money I was paying to go to this school, I would have thought, that the program would have been better, and that they would have been more helpful in trying to help place students into a job.  I don’t know anyone who went there and got a job with the help of the school. 

I was also going through some papers yesterday and found a letter from one of my professors.  I had planned to write her back and just never got around to it, I should see if I still have her email and email her rather then sending a letter.  It would probably get done more quickly that way.  She was like the only good professor in the entire school.  So maybe that will be another thing I will try to accomplish this week. 

School work

My week off is going to go way too fast.  When I get back to school, I know I’m going to feel like I never even had any time off. 

Today so far was spent planning my week, glueing construction paper to my kids self portraits for our bulletin board and starting to write comments for the report cards.  All of which I really have no desire to get back to. 

I’ve also been eating a lot.  I hate being home, I just feel hungry all the time, I hate that feeling.  I feel like any weight that I lost since I started teaching is just going to come back in this week I have off, that would suck. 

February 20, 2005

A week off......

I am really hoping that the snow and rain that they are predicting won’t actually happen.  This is my week off from school, I don’t want to have crappy days. 

I don’t have any real plans for my time off unfortunately.  I do have to do my report cards, grade papers, make some props for our performance, work on a science project that we have to do when we get back, and get together the stuff that I have for our bulletin boards that have to be changed the week we get back.  I’m so looking forward to it all. 

I also have to take a test for my permanent certification on Saturday morning.  Nothing better then being in a college at 7:45am to take some stupid standardized test, that I had to pay $88 to take.  Yeah, I’m really looking forward to it.  After that though, my friend is supposed to take me out on a date.  So I’m looking forward to that, and he even promised not to let me down.  Which is always a plus. 

I may decide to go into the Bronx to see this guy I was dating two summers ago.  We started talking again and he wants to hang out, I’m just not sure how I feel about it, so I’m thinking about it.  It would give me something else to do, so we’ll see.  Thursday people I work with are supposed to get together.  I’m not sure if I’m actually going to get a call with the details, but I was invited while we were at school, so I guess I’ll see what happens.  I’m not really expecting a call or anything. 

I do have money, a full tank of gas, and clean clothes as soon as I finish my laundry.  So I’m definitely ready to do something, I just have to figure out what that will be. 

The week I get back to school, I agreed to work after school on Wednesdays and Fridays.  It’s good money and I’ll be teaching second grade and probably my own kids which is always a plus.  It will just make me more tired and give me less time to get things done, but the money is defnitely a good thing. 

February 19, 2005

School rules

Yesterday someone came to speak to my class and another class about conflict resolution.  So she is asking the kids about the rules of the class.  So my kids are all looking at the class rules up in the room, and coming up with important things of their own.  Then the other class is saying crazy things like:

What ever you do, make sure you don’t clog the toliet. 

You should never ever flip in the hallway. 

Both two very important rules to know when you are in school! 

February 17, 2005

I wonder

Why is it that there are never enough hours in the day?  Why is it that I never have enough money?  Maybe people aren’t meant to be truly happy.